Jealous? Try this thought experiment

I WANT you to think of any pet you’ve ever had and how much you loved them.

Now, just imagine that someone approaches you one day, out of the blue, and offers you a swap. They explain that you can have any other dog, axolotl, mouse, goldfish or cat in exchange for your beloved pet. What would you say?
THE NO-BRAINER
I’m assuming that most of you would say, “Absolutely not.” Why? Because that’s your dog/axolotl/mouse/goldfish/cat! You can’t just replace it with another one, it doesn’t work like that! You’re attached to your pet no matter how old and decrepit they’ve become and how many limbs or faculties they have lost.
And that’s exactly my point. It doesn’t work like that. We get attached to our pets and by extension, our partners, children, and co-workers. They simply can’t be replaced.
So, the point of this column is to remember this story the next time you are feeling really jealous. Because, like a treasured pet, you can’t be replaced either.
Now, I need to point out that I’m not talking about being envious, which is, as Gretchen Rubin
explains
, actually a good way of working out what you want more of in your life. Envy is that feeling of, “Gosh, I wish I was that person”. No. Not that feeling. I’m talking totally over the top, sick to the stomach, rage-fuelled, crazy-making jealousy.
THE TRIANGLE
Being jealous comes from being part of a social triangle. You know: you, your boss and that annoying co-worker that your boss seems to favour; or you, your best friend and that new girl from the gym who is spending way too much time with your best friend. Or, your beloved and well … let’s face it, anyone or anything.
In more intimate personal relationships, the triangle can be completed by other humans, personal devices, certain sites on the internet, hobbies, work and to come back to where we started: pets!
THE MISUNDERSTANDING
When it feels like the other person or thing is getting in the way of your relationship, it feels rotten. To make things worse, most people are not really comforting when we are suffering from the very common tendency to be jealous. So, we don’t often get the reassurance we are craving.
If we ever finally admit that we are jealous of another person or thing, our friend, colleague or partner will often get frustrated with us and say they don’t understand. Why? Because we’re pretty much accusing them of being the kind of person that would swap their pet if the opportunity came up. We’re accidentally assuming the absolute worst of them and they can feel really offended.
Sadly, the more frustrated they get, the more we feel that our relationship with them is threatened and the more likely we are to feel that we’re about to be swapped. Then, we can end up being very unpleasant to be around: snarling, snapping and suspicious.
So. Think about it. You have developed relationships over time with your colleagues, your partner, your family members and your friends. Your relationship with them is unique. You will always have a relationship with that person that is yours alone.
The first thing to do if you feel that your relationship is threatened by someone or something else is to remember that when there is a connection or attachment between beings, it is not easy for people to let those connections go. Your friend may laugh with the new girl, but they can never replace the history that the two of you have built up.
THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER
Unfortunately, our wiring means that the anticipation of loss is much more stressful than the expectation of gain. Because jealousy is about that potential for loss, it is a truly horrible, disempowering feeling. It happens to us all and it’s up to all of us to manage it the best that we can.
Usually, you can count on your friends, colleagues or partner to stand by you no matter how old and decrepit you’ve become and how many limbs or faculties you have lost.
And hey, if any of them turn out to be the kind of person that would swap their pet, you certainly do not want them in your life. Go well, everyone!