‘Everything went white, I thought I was dead’: Why Isabella stayed in a violent marriage, and why she left

ISABELLA had been out with friends for dinner when her husband greeted her at the back door by knocking her out.
She came to on the bed with him slapping her to wake her up, cradling their son Ethan* in his arms. “I was holding my head, there was blood on the doona, I felt so dizzy,” she said. “I was worried about Ethan not having a mother.
“I said, ‘I need help’. He said, ‘Get over it’. The next thing you know, he punched me in the right eye. Everything went white. I thought I was dead.
“He said, ‘I know I’m going to get done for this, so I’m going to finish you off in the pool.’”
It was far from the first time Ben had hit Isabella. He had kicked her to the ground in public, threatened to rape her and tried to knee her in the stomach when she was pregnant. But this was the time she decided to leave.
Some question why victims of domestic violence stay with their abusers, even blaming them for their own suffering. Isabella wants people to understand how hard it can be to break free, and what finally gave her the strength to do it — her son.
The physical and verbal abuse started when the couple met in September 2012, says the 43-year-old. She had already been in a relationship “with a bit of violence” so “it didn’t really faze me, I didn’t think it was a big deal,” she told news.com.au.
Daughter of a Polish immigrant mother and abusive, alcoholic father who left when she was two, Isabella had just been made redundant from her job in microbiology and was working in a factory. Ben was single-minded in his pursuit of her.
“The relationship was quite fast, I thought he was great,” said Isabella, from Newcastle, NSW, who appears in the first episode of domestic violence series Hitting Home tonight on ABC. “We would go out every weekend, but I found he was quite a jealous person. He wanted to know where I was going, who I was talking to on the phone. I was flattered.”
Three months into their relationship, the couple moved in together. The abuse was subtle at first, easy to shrug off. Ben’s mother pointed out that he was controlling what his partner wore, telling her to dress in shorts instead of the skirts she usually favoured. Another time, he poured beer over Isabella at a festival because he thought she was looking at other men.
“He would take my phone and keys. He was controlling who I was seeing and what I was eating because he was obsessed with appearance, and me being fat.”
As Ben became increasingly physical, Isabella began keeping a calendar of what he did to her. She reads an entry from March 17 2013: The couple were walking home when Isabella mentioned an ex-boyfriend. Ben kicked her in the leg and dragged her to the ground as he tried to pull her phone from her. They were near a community hall and several people who were at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting came out to help. They warned her to leave, but Ben swore he would change. Isabella wanted to believe him.
The episodes became more terrifying. On one occasion, Ben barricaded her in the bedroom, running outside naked to drag her back in when she tried to get away. “I was scared and powerless,” she says. “He wouldn’t let me sleep. He would put the lights on, splash water on me and say ‘listen to me!’ He would sit on my chest, hold down my arms with his knees and spit on me. If I refused sex, he’d say, ‘I’m going to rape you.’ The next day he’d say, ‘I was only joking.’”
One night he punched Isabella so hard he broke her rib. The doctor was suspicious, but she brushed off his concerns. In May 2013, she found out she was pregnant.
“The physical abuse stopped but the emotional abuse continued,” she said. “I went out for lunch with a girlfriend and he chased me round the bed, so I dialled her number so she could hear. He tried to knee me in the stomach when I was in the shower at one point.
“I was very depressed. I was thinking about aborting, but it was way too late.”
In August 2013, they got married. Just before the wedding, the scared wife-to-be texted his mother to see if she was doing the right thing. “Am I the only one?” she asked. Ben’s mother said yes. “It made me feel terrible,” said Isabella. “I was thinking it was all my fault.”
Later, when she found out about the other women he had abused, she asked her mother-in-law why she had lied. It was because Ben left her alone when he was with Isabella.
 “He was very manipulative. If someone was around, he wouldn’t hurt me and if I threatened him with court, he’d say, ‘They’ll see you as an idiot.’ My self-esteem and confidence were at a low.
“I was embarrassed that I’d got into a relationship like this, and I wanted to make it work.
“He said he would change after the pregnancy and spend time with his son. He didn’t.”
Isabella went to the police several times. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” she said. “But I didn’t end up going to court, so it got thrown out. I didn’t have confidence they’d believe me.”
The couple moved for a fresh start. During viewings of their old home, Ben was at the pub and Isabella begged him to come home to help as she juggled her newborn and the viewers. Her husband told her to “stop acting like a c**t”. He took her over the park, grabbed her hand and threw her to the ground.
“There were parents everywhere watching soccer and no one came to help. Ethan* was in the pram screaming. [Ben] ripped my bra off. It was humiliating, I shook uncontrollably.”
The new house spelled the beginning of the end: it wasn’t on a busy road and didn’t have soundproofing like the last. When neighbours heard Isabella screaming and her son crying, they called the police, but even when Ben was arrested, he came back saying he had been let off with a slap on the wrist.
When Isabella mentioned their lack of money, his drinking and his endless sick days, he would get angry, once grabbing her head and pushing it through the wall. “I was worried people would see it but it didn’t faze me much, I was used to it by then,” she said.
 “I hoped things would get better, I was always trying to figure out what made him happy. I believed the promises he made, I tried to believe because I did love him. I became desensitised to the abuse, I didn’t think it was that bad, but with counselling I can understand. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself, people would think I was an idiot for staying.”
It was the final attack that made her realise she had to leave, for her son’s sake if not her own. Her sister told Isabella she didn’t want her next visit to Newcastle to be for her younger sibling’s funeral.
Ben was convicted of assault and multiple counts of contravening his AVO (apprehended violence order) as he repeatedly tried to get to his wife and son. He was sentenced to 40 months in jail, and is due for release in September 2017.
Isabella now has security cameras installed at her house from a government organisation called Staying Home, Leaving Violence to record if her husband comes back. She refuses to take her son to see Ben in prison. “I know the last vision he saw of his father was when he raised his fist at me and grabbed my hair. He’s seen it all and he’s not even two, but I know he knows what’s going on. Seeing that terror in his eyes ...
“When Ben was arrested, it took a long time for Ethan to let go of me, he was so clingy. He’s so confident and happy now, he’s a different person. When I’m tired he comes up to me and says ‘Mummy, I love you.’”